Toddler Aggression: The Reasons and the Responses

Toddlers are super cute, but they can be super hurtful as well!  There are several reasons that toddlers behave aggressively, and being a sociopath is typically not one of them!  ;)  Take a breath... when your small child hits, they are very much like most toddlers out there.

Although feelings are always okay, certain actions are not because they are hurtful.  As teachers, caregivers, and parents, we need to respond to our toddler aggressors in a way that helps them develop prosocial skills.  To do this, we need to determine the function (the why) of the behavior.  Depending on the child's motive in the situation, our response to the child must differ.

Below you will find different strategies for responding to aggressive behaviors according to the behavior's function.  Be prepared to use many strategies with the child.  Be ready for it to take a few months for the child to incorporate new replacement behaviors.  Be patient, with yourself and the child.

Attention Seeking

• Young children figure out right away that hurtful actions get a lot of attention from grownups!  (We naturally want to prevent other children or ourselves from getting hurt right?)  Negative attention is still attention, and counts to the young attention seeker.
• Strive for five: for every one criticism/correction/redirection you give, strive to find five positive things to also share with the child.  ("Yes!  Your hands are pinching play-doh!  That is a great choice.  You look like you are having fun.)  This does two things: the child feels capable of making good choices, being a nice friend, and that you care about him/her.  Additionally, it helps you maintain positive feelings toward the child and avoid the rut of, "Sigh.  Why do you ALWAYS hurt people?!"  Likely, the child does not ALWAYS engage in negative behaviors and pointing the positives out to the child helps you as the adult remember this too.  CONNECTION.
• Respond to the victim first.  "Are you okay?  Let's get you... cleaned up, back on your feet, etc. Did you like what happened?  Let's tell your friend that..."
• Respond to the aggressor second.  "You pushed... (enter hurtful behavior) your friend.  You were upset... (enter applicable emotional label) and didn't know what to do."  
• Be sympathetic so the child is able to hear your message.  If you are angry the child will be defensive or possibly afraid.  The brain will not be able to incorporate the next part of the exchange as readily due to that stress.
• Continue: "You MAY NOT hurt your friend.  That is NOT okay.  You may do... (this or that) instead.  Let's practice that now."

Sensory or Motor Seeking

• The growing child's body craves movement and challenges!  This is one way both hemispheres of the brain learn to communicate and synchronize.  We want children to learn about their bodies, the environment, and how to interact with the people and the world.
• Hitting, kicking, and throwing are developmental milestones that we expect young children to meet, and they will typically practice these behaviors until they achieve mastery.  In certain circumstances, it is very appropriate to hit, throw, poke, pinch, or kick.  
• Redirect hitting/kicking/throwing/pinching behaviors from peers to play-doh, instruments, pillows, beanbags, balls, and/or toys where it is okay to hammer.  
• Redirect biting to chewable jewelry.

Undeveloped Social/Emotional Understanding

• Because children this age are so young, they haven't yet learned to distinguish the idea that people and animals are different from objects because they have feelings.  They haven't learned perspective-taking yet, and so they are unaware that they might be hurting a friend and that friend has different feelings about what is happening than the instigator does.  This lack of social/emotional development (which is totally NORMAL for this age!) can lead to treating friends as objects.
• This behavior might look like spontaneous, unprovoked injuring of another person.  Small children find that peers respond consistently to pain with howls, crying, etc. in the same way that maracas respond to shaking, piano keys respond to hitting, and pegs respond to hammering.  The aggressor is enjoying the consistency or sound of the response because they don't understand that what they are doing hurts.  People are not instruments or toys, and people have feelings.
• To teach social emotional awareness, try this: "Look at your friend's face.  That's sad (hurt, angry, etc.- label the feeling)  They didn't like that.  To help our friend feel better, we need to apologize.  Say, 'I'm sorry I hurt you.  I will use soft hands next time.'"
• Outside of the conflict, intentionally plan opportunities to teach social emotional awareness: 
• sing "If You're Happy and You Know It" with different emotions.  Use dramatic facial expressions for each feeling and invite the children to do the same.  Explain what caused the feeling: "I am sad because biting hurts!  I hurt so I cry!"
• read books and point out the faces and feelings of the characters, explain the cause and effect of those feelings in the plot
• play with the mirror- children like making faces in the mirror, use this as an opportunity to talk about feelings versus body parts and features
• role play- pretend to be an animal or person, act and talk the way someone else would
• connect with past experiences- "Remember when your friend hit you and you were really sad?  That's how Johnny feels right now."

Undeveloped Communication Skills

• Toddlers have better RECEPTIVE language than EXPRESSIVE language.  This means that they understand what you say a lot more than what they can say themselves.  Let's face it, actions come out faster than words at this age.  Even if the small child knows what to say, s/he may forget to use words in the heat of the moment.  
• Teach social and problem solving language.  Intervene when a child makes a grab for a toy in another's hands and prevent a potential fight.  Prompt the child to use words, "You want that toy.  Let's ask first before we take: 'Sally, can I have that cat?'  'Oh, Sally isn't done yet.  Sally tell her, 'You can have it when I'm done.'"
• Teach and model the words for sharing (using the toy together at the same time), trading (exchanging a toy for the one you want), and waiting for a turn (eg. using a timer).  Resolving problems with these tools demonstrates respect for other's feelings and fosters positive feelings between friends.
• Practice taking turns in speaking and listening.
• Use consistent language with the child so they learn what your words/instructions mean: "Use soft touches" or "Your friends like nice hands..."
• The younger the children, the simpler the language (both vocabulary and number of words)

Undeveloped Executive Functioning

• Executive functioning skills are higher level brain functions.  They allow you to choose your response instead of responding with emotion.  They allow you to delay gratification.  They allow you to make plans, and review how they went.  They allow you to use logic amongst other things... and they are continuously developing in a person until s/he is a young adult.  Therefore, we cannot expect young children to cope with the environment and people in the same capacity as an adult.  But we CAN support the development of executive functioning skills within the child.
• Be consistent with redirection and consequences.  For example, the child might need to lose privileges if s/he is repeatedly acting in hurtful ways.  A logical consequence is that the child must walk away from the activity where the hurtful behavior was occurring.  Perhaps the child requires the use of a time-out or calm-down place.  Remember that negative consequences cannot be the only response to replacing these behaviors with positive ones.  
• It is critical to maintain a positive relationship with the aggressive child and be the child's "safe place" while providing consistent redirection and consequences.  When the child decides that s/he is "just a bad kid" or that the teacher "can't be pleased" then s/he will likely stop trying to improve.  Don't create a self-fulfilling prophecy for the child.
• Maintain proximity to help the child in the heat of the moment make the best choice instead of waiting to clean up the aftermath.
• Let age and maturity work magic on your efforts.  It will happen for each child at a different time in a different way.  Every day, every minute, YOU get to help build this child's brain.

The Makings of a Turtle Shell- Calm Down Strategies

Over the course of the past two weeks, the school friends at Harmony's House have been helping to make a "Turtle Shell."  At first, they did not know what it was for, or what it would become.  They were just helping Ms. Harmony paint a large box green and then glue shapes all over it.

Later, Ms. Harmony taught them the real purpose of the box as a calm-down space, how, and when to use it.  In Circle Time, we read the story When Sophie Gets Angry-- Really, Really Angry... by Molly Bang.  In the story, Sophie gets very upset when her turn is over with the gorilla, and she trips and falls down.  She erupts like a red hot volcano and runs outside where the sights and sounds of nature soothe her.  Ms. Harmony explained that everyone, even grown ups, feel big feelings like being angry, sad, frustrated, or lonely.  Going outside can be a great way to calm down, but when we are at school at Ms. Harmony's House, we can't run away outside.  The teacher needs to be able to see and hear you.  That's why we have a "turtle shell."

Using the turtle shell finger puppet, Ms. Harmony explained that Turtle used to get very very upset too.  He would scream and shout.  Sometimes he would kick and stomp.  But then he learned to use his turtle shell as a safe place.  When he noticed his body getting angry, he would go into his shell and do these steps:

1. STOP (stop screaming and crying so he could hear his thoughts)
2. Take three deep breaths.
3.  Say, "I can calm down." (tells himself something positive and giving himself control)
4.  Count to five.
5.  Problem solve.  (when he leaves his turtle shell he has an idea of how to solve a problem, like asking for help, taking turns, asking for an apology, etc.)

The school friends helped turtle review each step and taped the cards in order inside the turtle shell.  Then we each practiced climbing inside.  Turtle has a friend Hedgehog who is there to help him if he wants someone else to talk to during his calm-down routine.  The school friends understood that anyone can go to the turtle shell when they need a safe place to calm down; it is not a place where you are in trouble.

The school friends picked a corner in the kitchen to be where they could always find the turtle shell.  We moved it there at the end of Circle Time, and that's where it is every time they come to school.  Since implementing the turtle shell, no one has yet needed it, although Friend "K" did go to check on turtle and help him get tucked into his shell for a nap.  Sometimes, just knowing you have friends that care and a safe place to go when you are upset is all you need to have to regulate feelings.  But when big big feelings come, Harmony's House DOES have a real place available to use.

*This technique is not unique.  Ms. Harmony has used this in other classes previously, and when doing research for college papers, she found that social emotional curricula for preschool (like The Incredible Years- Dinosaur School, or Conscious Discipline) often include creating a safe, comfortable place for children to calm down.  It is important to teach the calm-down strategies in addition to creating the space.*

Be a problem solver!

This is what we want our preschoolers to be: a problem solver!  Often, when crisis erupts in the classroom, teachers ask questions like, "How can we solve the problem?"  "What are your ideas?"  "Would you like help solving that problem?"

When the child is able to delay gratification, consider another's perspective, formulate a solution that is fair and safe... then they are developing both social-emotional and critical thinking skills, not to mention the language skills to explain a problem and idea to solve it.  With time and practice, the child will need to rely less on the adult and more on self to problem solve socially with peers.

But... helping young children problem solve doesn't always go as smoothly as the book or poster seems to imply.  After two years of calmly approaching children, helping them negotiate, work through problems, sometimes it just. didn't. work.

I felt like it was because the child might be so upset that they couldn't focus on my words, rise above the intense feelings they were experiencing, to think at a higher level and solve a problem.  I was in the trenches with the kids everyday, and I wanted them to be able to self-regulate and talk through problems with their friends.  What to do?  I created the Problem Solving Basket... and it literally transformed the classroom!  I've used it every year since then.

I introduce the Problem Solving Basket to my class during Large Group times often in the beginning of the year.  Teachers will role play with each other, and then include children, to practice problem-solving.  Usually when children fight over a toy, there are three ways to solve a problem: share (both use it at the same time), trade toys, or take turns with a timer (the child who had it first gets to finish his/her turn).  We demonstrate what each card looks like and sounds like,

• "Let's do this idea!  We can share and both use it together!"  
• "I'm not done.  You can have it next."  
• "Can I have the red car?  You can have this blue one that I have."

Why does the basket work?

1. The children literally have to step away from the problem to go get the basket.  This gives a few seconds to calm down.
2. The children can focus visually on the symbols of the cards (stick figure pictures) and on an adult's voice, so understanding the solutions is enhanced.
3. It feels like a game: which card do we choose?
4. Even young children who cannot fully explain their ideas can point to the card that they want to use in problem solving, and an adult can scaffold the language gap.

**Sometimes the basket has even had hand puppets, or dice.  You can create the basket to suit your children's needs.  If a child is upset, communicating with a puppet sometimes helps bridge the gap between feeling and thinking and words.  Older children might like the enhanced feature of rolling the dice: the person who gets the biggest number gets it.  Do what you want that works!**

We have created Problem Solving cards for apologizing, using an indoor voice, or using manners (saying please).  We've used an "Ignore" card to help children remember to focus on the teacher instead of a child who is looking for attention with disruptive behaviors.  

Basically, there is beauty in the simplicity, flexibility, and efficiency of the basket!  The children learn to solve problems and learn the social dialogue of problem solving much more quickly when using this tool, than when they didn't.  Soon, they don't need the basket to prompt them; they problem-solve on their own!  :) 

Is the Alone Table a Place for Timeout?

The Alone Table during February was set up to be an X-ray machine at the doctor's office.  The children could select different x-rays to see bones from the human body, work a Sesame Street puzzle, and explore different systems of the body in the DK Human Body book.

What is the function of the Alone Table?  Isn't preschool about socialization?  Basically, is it just a "time-out" spot?

Well, if you consider "time-out" to be a punishment, then no, the Alone Table is not a "time-out" place.  But it can be a calm-down center for one person at a time.

• Self-discovery-  Sometimes children need to work alone so they can develop that inner voice, hear their own thoughts, and work out their own ideas.

• Mental break-  Sometimes children need a break from playing with peers, which is a mentally and emotionally strenuous activity for children learning to practice social rules and emotional regulation.

• Social problem solving-  Sometimes when social problems occur over materials in the classroom, the children are too upset in the moment to think about whether they want to share, trade, or take turns.  They need to take a break at the Alone Table, and after calming down, realize that they DO want to solve problems with friends, and so are then able to reach a resolution and re-join their peers.

• Communication-  When a child moves to the Alone Table, s/he communicates to his/her peers that s/he wants to work alone.  S/he communicates that s/he needs space for a few minutes.

• Behavior regulation-  Sometimes when a child experiences sensory overload, is learning appropriate behavior for the first time, and/or has developmental "growing pains," the child behaves in a way that is inappropriate or unsafe.  Under these circumstances, the child is invited to work at the Alone Table until the child is able to respond to teacher redirection and appropriate behavior is restored.

The Alone Table is way more useful, and beneficial, than a simple "time-out" place.  I frequently update the materials at the Alone Table to allow children to experience all the benefits from learning to work alone.